LGBTQIA+ Naive Questions Asked

I am Elyse Hocking
4 min readDec 28, 2021


Did you get your ‘level up’ badge…

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Disclaimer: Firstly this is written from self-perspective and, the experiences of those I know online and offline so may not fit everyone’s lived experiences. As always no offence is intended.

Misconceptions between heterosexual persons and LGBTQIA+ persons.

Let’s take it all right back to the start, as humans we are naturally create bonds with others in a variety of capacities. Those bonds flourish or wilt and some become more as a connection strengthens.

Over the years marriage and coupling became the norm’ and, societal expectations crept in where marriage (as per the church and various religious expectations) was between a man and a woman. Now I won’t get into the strategy of that however, historically power was held by men so coupling with a female ensured survival of gendered power at that time.

Times have changed.

We still create bonds with humans. Friends, associates, work colleagues, lovers, romantic partners and literally everything in between. Taking away the historical societal expectations the down right fact is ‘we create bonds’ some stronger than others. As humans we have different needs and, these can be filled with the different people we surround ourselves with.

Emotional connections don’t differentiate between connections versus gender.

Some people therefore have those bonds, emotions and pulls in greater quantities to a specific gender, both genders or simply just the ‘person’

Note I’ve yet to say that those bonds are purely created by sexual intercourse. Why…? Because we create bonds from the moment we are born and throughout childhood. Sex doesn’t factor into bond creation although in some instances it can strengthen it.

Therefore, many trying to figure out who they like or those feel a stronger pull to will consider if they are LGBTQIA+ when puberty hits and they realise they don’t fit into societal norms’ and this is where the mental health impact for LGBTQIA+ begins. That’s a whole separate issue to be published.

Don’t get me wrong, some people don’t contemplate their sexuality until they are older. This is still totally normal.

What is frustrating for many LGBTQIA+ is when someone who misunderstands the differences in emotions, love and preferences asks:

Photo by Simone Secci on Unsplash

‘So, you’re LGBTQIA+? But have you had sex with [insert gender that doesn’t fit their expectation]…?.’

It’s frustrating that people believe you can only have a ‘label’ if you’ve had sex. So much so that if you have then that solidifies you as a specific LGBTQIA+ and you get your level up badge.

It’s as though it’s believed it’s all a phase that can be decided purely by sex and not actually just how LGBTQIA+ are. Emotions and bonds don’t equate to sex purely, most bonds are created prior to sex and sex is an action out of choice between two or more people.

You don’t see the same people asking hetero virgins if they’re sure they are straight because they’ve not have sex yet. Sex is no-ones business unless it’s illegal.

‘How can you be BTQIA+ if you’re dating/married/partnered with a straight person?’

Again this is hugely naive. Who a person couples with or spends time with, doesn’t change who that person is. You can’t undo LGBTQIA+ simply by coupling with a heterosexual person.

‘Are you sure you are LGBTQIA+, do you not want to have a baby?’

Not everyone wants to have a baby regardless of their sexual preference. Likewise, there are many hetero couples who struggle to conceive. Medical science has provided options for those who do wish to have a family regardless of their sexuality and coupling preference. And, there are fostering and adoption options too.

These are a just a few of the common ones, but there are so many more and while everything is a teaching moment these days, some of the questioning boggles my mind as it shows that humans have [in general] lost the ability to understand human emotion outside of sex — that’s a worry.

Ultimately be a good human. Don’t judge others. Don’t presume everyone is having sex or driven by only sex. Some people just want love, a hug and a strong support system to get through life’s harships.

Happy holidays to all, here’s to a improved 2022 for all. Be better. Do better and find all of the happiness you deserve in life.



I am Elyse Hocking

Blogger | Scottish life and personal opinion *All views my own* You can also find me at: